Shock/Numbness
Some children go into shock after their mothers die.  They feel frozen – it may be hard to feel any emotions.  Over time, their numbness begins to wear off.  If you are in shock, you may begin to feel emotions at different times and then feel numb again. 

Delayed Grief Response – Hope Edelman
" I was really just shocked" – Chudney M.

The following excerpt from Footsteps Through Grief, by Darcie Sims and Alicia S. Franklin, is reprinted by permission:

FEELING FROZEN
When you first become aware of the loss, you may become numb.  Shock is a physiological response that protects you from further pain.  When our circuits become overloaded, we cannot accept further information.  We stop listening, stop hearing…you may feel like you’ve stopped breathing.  A protective fog blankets us and cushions the reality of death.  We switch to “automatic pilot” and our responses become mechanical.  Decisions are made, actions taken and events pass, all without our complete attention.

Others may think you are “doing fine” or comment on how “strong” you are.  Shock, however, is what helps us get through the necessary details of death.  It really feels like being frozen.  You function, but may not feel anything.  You can stay “frozen” for a few moments or up to several months.

The word “denial” is often used to describe this time of being “frozen” or any delay in the grief process.  Yet, denial is one of those words that simply “doesn’t work”.  In order to deny something, one first has to recognize it and once it is recognized, it cannot be denied.  It is, however, sometimes postponed.  We postpone things (and feelings) for a number of reasons, all of which are perfectly logical and appropriate.  If we could take a few moments to understand the reason behind the postponement, then we would have some clues as to how to “get moving” through the process again.

You may feel like postponing the emotions of grief because you are not sure how to grieve.  Fear is often a good reason for stopping or postponing something.  Once you have information, support and/or tools for coping, you can begin to take steps again on the journey. 

DEFROSTING: IT HURTS
When the shock wears off, the reality of our loss crashes into us.  The collision with the reality of death HURTS.  No longer "frozen", we begin to defrost and now grief begins to hurt in every cell in our body.  There's a tightness in the throat, a searing pain in the chest, a heaviness in the heart.  It hurts to move, to breath.  It hurts just to be!  Sometimes the pain is so intense we may develop physical symptoms.  Sleep problems, appetite changes and stomach upsets are common.  Heartache, restlessness, muscle tension and sighing may occur.  The defrosting part of grief is sometimes confusing and overwhelming, especially when it may occur weeks and even months following the actual loss.  Remember that everyone thaws at a different rate.

Sadness

There might be a lot of different kinds of sadness when a mother dies.  You might be overwhelmed by how sad you feel about her death.  Sometimes you’re so sad it makes your body hurt.  Sometimes you’re so sad you think your sadness will never go away.  Sometimes you’re so sad you don’t think anyone has ever felt this bad.  Sometimes you’re so sad that you feel very, very alone.  Sadness at its most intense is grief.






Grief

When a mother is dying or has died, there are many emotions and very strong emotions.  As you experience all these emotions, you are grieving.  In grief, your mind and body and feelings start to recognize the fact that your mother has died.  In grief, you might even find it very difficult or impossible to believe that she has died.  Grief changes.  Sometimes you feel better.  Sometimes you feel worse.  While grief is very difficult and sometimes scary because it’s so intense, grief is usually healthy.

Healthy grief allows you to remember your mother, or another person you love who died.  Healthy grief means being able to go on, to do what you have to do.  If you’re in fourth grade, you need to finish fourth grade.  You won’t finish fourth grade in the same way that you would have if your mom hadn’t died.  It might take you a little longer.  You might have trouble concentrating so it takes you longer to get the work done.  You might be able to focus on being a student sometimes, but then other times find yourself overwhelmed with grief.  Healthy grief means you balance your usual life (even though what used to be usual isn’t usual anymore) with all the work of grief. 

Love

Sometimes when your mother has died, you become more aware of how much you loved her.  Sometimes it’s easier to recognize love after someone has died.  Sometimes we regret that we didn’t say “I love you.” After your mother has died, you can’t say it in the same way.  You can say the words, but your mother isn’t physically present to hear them.  As you think about the love you feel for her, recognize that most probably she loved you, too.  Love isn’t just about the words.  It’s about sharing a special bond.  Love does not go away just because someone died. 

Anger

There are a lot of reasons to feel angry when someone you love has died.  Why did it have to be someone close to you who died?  Why did it have to be your mother?  It’s even okay to get angry at your mother.  You might feel like she left you.  You might have more work to do if you’re expected to do more chores, or you might be asked to give up vacations.  You might not be able to go to dance lessons or get to baseball practice on time.

There are so many little things that will never be the same.  “Mom always helped me with my homework.  How will I get it done now?”  “No one will make lunch like she did.”  What things will you miss most in your life?   Part of the reason you miss all the little and big things your mom did for you is because all those things meant that she knew you so well.  She probably knew how you were feeling and what to do to make you feel better.  You might feel like she was the only one who knew you that well.  You might feel like no one else will ever know you that way and that makes so many people feel SO LONELY!  This can cause anger or frustration. 

Mom pays attention to detail – Hope Edelman
Attention to details – Laura Munts

Some children get angry at God.  Some children get angry at the doctors and nurses who took care of their mother.  If there was an accident such as a car crash, it makes sense to be angry at the person who caused the crash, even if that’s the person who died.  Anger is not a bad thing.  The only thing that matters is that you don’t use your anger (or other feelings) to hurt yourself or someone else.  If you find that your anger makes you feel like you want to hurt yourself or someone else, it’s important to talk with an adult about help with sorting out your feelings. 

"After my mom died, I felt angry..." - Emily D.
"Some of the stuff that I felt…" - Jacki W.
"Going back into school…" - Max C.

Frustration

After your mom dies, particularly around the time of her funeral and for several weeks after, many people may come to your house whom you don’t know, or maybe even people whom you don’t like.  People tell you how you should feel, what you should wear, and how you should act.  People tell you they know how you feel, and you may want to shout, “You have no idea how I feel!”  In the midst of all of this, you’re trying to understand the death of your mother. 

You might be frustrated at how other people act.  After someone dies, it’s very common for many people to claim, “She was my best friend.”  And you know that that’s not true for many of the people saying this type of statement.  Things that don’t seem to matter a lot are made to be very important.  For example, how can your friend be so angry at her mother just because her mother made her clean her room?  Doesn’t she realize how lucky she is to have a mother? 

You might feel like you have no control.  There are a lot of reasons to feel frustrated.  Some things you can control.  A lot of things you can’t.  If something is very important to you, maybe you can get an adult to help you make it happen. 

Guilt

It is very common for a child to feel some guilt and believe that she is responsible for her mother's death.  A child might worry about the last thing he said to his mom, or the fact that he said he’d do something that never got done.  Many children believe that, in some way, their mother’s death was their fault.  If you think that something you thought or did or believed caused the death, talk with an adult about it. 

"Sometimes I feel guilty…" - Alexis D.

Happiness

How can you be happy when someone has died?  It probably won’t happen very much in the beginning.  But you can be happy again.  You can enjoy the things that you’ve always enjoyed.  You can even remember happy times that you shared with your mother.  And there will be things in your life that made you happy before and will continue to make you happy.  It might be eating ice cream, swimming or playing a game.  It’s okay to be happy. 

Some children feel they don’t have a right to be happy when such a bad thing has happened.  You might remember a funny thing that happened.  Even in the midst of the funeral or shiva you might laugh.  It’s not disloyal or bad to laugh.  As time goes on, most children feel more happy minutes than they did during the weeks following their mother’s death.  It doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten or won’t be sad anymore.  But it is okay to be happy.  You had lots of happy times before your mom was sick or died.  As you go through the process of grieving, you’ll feel happy again.  Most likely, your mom would want you to be happy – she would want you to go on living a good life. 

Relief
 
If your mother has been sick for a long time, not only does she feel bad, but you feel bad that she feels bad.  Many people suffer for a long time before they die.  When someone is no longer hurting, there is relief.  When someone is sick, there are trips to the hospital or doctor’s office for treatments.  You might miss events because there is no one to drive you.  There might be no family vacations.  Feeling relief does not mean that you’re glad your mother has died.  Rather, feeling relief means that you recognize that at least the suffering is done.  You might feel relief because you no longer have to miss events that are important to you.  Feeling relief does not mean you don’t feel overwhelming sadness.  It just means that at least some of the difficult parts have passed.