It’s not fair that my mom died

It’s not bad to think that it’s not fair this person that you loved died.  You’re right.  It certainly does not make sense.  Why did your mother, or father, or sister or brother have to be the one to die?  Disease or injuries do not make sense.  They’re not predictable.  There are a million “what ifs” or “if onlys.”  It’s not a bad thing to have those thoughts. 

Sometimes you even wish that someone else you know had died, or maybe even that you had died.  If they are only thoughts, that’s okay.  If it makes you have harmful thoughts or to feel bad about yourself, you need to talk to someone about it.  You KNOW your mother wouldn’t wish you were the one who died. 

It is my fault my mom died

It is very common for a child to feel some guilt and believe that he or she is responsible that her mother has died.  Children might worry about the last thing they said to their mom, or the fact that they said they’d do something that never got done.  Many children believe that, in some way, their mother’s death was their fault.  It is extremely unlikely that a child is ever responsible for a person's death.  If you think that something you thought or did or believed caused the death, talk with an adult about it. 

Hurtful Thoughts
 
You may have many different thoughts about your mom’s death and your life.  Similar to emotions, there are really no right or wrong thoughts EXCEPT for two absolute wrongs.  
   1.   Thoughts about hurting yourself are wrong.  
   2.   Thoughts about hurting someone else are wrong. 

If you find yourself having these thoughts, PLEASE talk with a safe adult.  Sometimes the adult who you believe is a safe adult will not listen.  That’s sad and difficult and frustrating.  It means more work for you.  What adult will listen?  You know a lot of adults.  Is there a teacher or a counselor at school or a nurse or a pediatrician who will listen to you?  Is there a priest or minister or rabbi?  Is there a friend’s parent?  Know the safe adults in your life. 

Sometimes children (and adults) have thoughts that they think are bad thoughts.  The only thoughts that are really bad thoughts are those about hurting yourself or someone else.

I’m afraid that I am going to die or someone else in my family will die, too
 
Some children are afraid that what happened to their mother will happen to them, or that another person close to them also will die.  Some children are afraid that another person close to them will die, too.  Sometimes the answers are easyyou don't have to worry; for instance, if you are a boy and your mother died of ovarian cancer, you know that it can't happen to you.  It’s good to be relieved in those cases. 

No one can promise never to die because eventually everyone dies.  We can’t know how or when we’re going to die.  We don’t know what’s going to happen to us.  That’s very difficult.  Sometimes the struggle is whether to live in fear or whether to put that fear aside and go on living.  Some people feel guilty for living when someone else has died.  Don’t let your fears keep you from living.  If your fears help you make healthy choices, like wearing a seatbelt, or having a regular check-up, great.  But this does not mean that someone else made bad choices, or that they weren’t careful.  If you have questions, ask an adult who you trust AND who will be honest with you about why your mother is dying or has died. 

Some adults are not comfortable being honest with children because they believe children can’t understand or don’t need to know.  If you need to know, ask an adult who will tell you the truth. 

Honest Thoughts

Thoughts are often reactions to feelings, part of the way we come to understand death.  If you are feeling sad or angry, you will think about why you feel that way.  One of the challenges is to be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling and why.  Some people believe it is wrong to have certain feelings.  If you’ve been told that you shouldn’t be angry at your mother for dying, then you might not want to admit those feelings to yourself.  Being honest about what you are thinking and feeling is a very good way to help yourself. 

Does it help to talk about my mom’s death?
 
Grieving kids often don’t know whether it will help them to talk about their thoughts and feelings.  And if they do want to talk, sometimes they are not sure who will really listen and understand.  It’s true that no one can ever really know your grief.  Even if you have a brother or a sister, his or her experiences following your mom’s death will be different from yours.  Each person’s response to the death of someone they loved is unique. 

Still, it often helps to be understood.  Some children don’t want to speak with their dads or other relatives because they’re afraid that will make the adults sad, and seeing adults cry can be difficult, especially if you are not used to it.  It is important to remember that crying isn’t bad.  Everyone in your family is hurting and that hurt is there whether you talk about it or not.  Speaking with someone about your mom can make you cry, but it doesn’t make you sadder than you were before.  It's not going to make your dad more sad, either.

Some people will share their thoughts and feelings openly.  Others won’t.  Talk with those people who will listen to you and share their own feelings.  Do what is right for you. 

"Sometimes I just don’t feel like talking..." - Jacki W.
"When somebody’s mom dies..." - Tony E.
"I love my mom because she was always..." - Emily D.

Lots of things at home are changing

When someone dies, and particularly when a mom dies, a lot of things change.  Meals.  Clean clothes.  Getting places.  Vacations.  It might mean you have more chores to do, or even that you don't feel like you get to be a child anymore. 

In some families, it’s appropriate for the children to do more than they did before.  And in almost all families, there will be changes after a death.  Some of them might be good, and some of them might be very difficult. 

Most adults do not want kids to give up being kids.  If you feel like you have more responsibility than you can handle, you need to speak with an adult about it.  Many adults have not thought about what the experience is like for you. 

Sometimes adults say things to children like, “You’ll have to help your grandma a lot now that your mom has died” or “You’re the man of the house now.  You have to act like it.” When they say these things, they often do not realize how difficult this makes things for children.  Thoughts like, “This is too much for me!  I just want things to be like they were!” are okay.  Let the adults around you know that you are feeling overwhelmed.

Changes might included new family members.  After a mother’s death, dad may begin to date and may eventually remarry.  These are significant changes and may trigger many strong feelings, ranging from betrayal to love.  It is important to talk about what is happening and how people are feeling even though the conversations may be uncomfortable or painful.  See Honest Thoughts.

Dating and Marriage – Darcie Sims
Step-mothers – “I would give advice to a dad…” - Kevin M.
Re-marrying – Charlie C.
“Having new brothers and sisters has been nice…” - Max C.
Hear from a step-mother – Michelle C.