What to Say When Someone Dies
Whether we meet the family of someone in our community who died, a student in the classroom whose mother died, or the family of a child who was killed in a car crash, it’s one of the most difficult encounters we can have. We want to say something, not just so the bereaved family knows that we know, but also to express how sad we are about the death. At the same time, we often worry about saying the wrong thing, something that hurts a person or family who is already deeply wounded.
Saying the wrong thing can hurt. Telling people, “I know what you’re going through” is often very hurtful. Even if my mother has died, I don’t know what it was like for you when your mom died. We should never presume to tell someone that we know their journey.
Often we say things that we mean to be helpful or to be supportive, but our words hurt more than help. For example, “At least her suffering is over,” or “She’s left you such good memories.” These types of statements that attempt to shift the focus from genuine and healthy grieving to ‘look on the bright side,’ may be very inappropriate for a bereaved child (or adult) who feels, “But I still want her here!” A bereaved child (or adult) who is told that, “It’s a good thing that your mother isn’t hurting anymore” might feel bad and or selfish that he wants her here, even if she were suffering.
Our inclination often is to say, “I’m sorry your Mom died.” As innocent as this seems, it leads some children to think, “Why are you sorry? It’s not your fault that she died.”
Another common comfort is to say, "Things will be normal again soon." While meant to give hope and be encouraging, the child (or adult) knows that normal included someone who is no longer there. The family will need to work to build a new normal.
If someone you love has died, think about what’s been helpful for you. If you know someone who has experienced the death of someone he or she loved, talk with that person about it. Ask him or her what helped, or what hurt. For some people a hug or a pat on the arm convey more than words.
But please say something. Don’t ignore it. If you can’t think of what to say, you can say, “I’m thinking of you and your mom.”
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