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Bereavement Parenting Tips
How can parents best explain death to children?
There are many aspects to death that may need to be explained to a child, including physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Among important guidelines to follow are being honest, answering the questions that are being asked and giving age appropriate information. For more keys to providing good support Click Here.
Does your child understand that death is final and that it is universal, meaning that it will happen to all of us? Depending on your child’s understanding of death, you may want to tell him "When someone dies, that means their body is no longer working. The heart stops beating, they no longer need to eat or sleep, and they no longer feel any pain. They don't need their body any longer. That means we will never see them again as we could before.” (From Children and Death, by Danai Papadatou and Costas Papadatos.)
When you need to tell your child that a loved one has died, pick a place where you won’t be interrupted. Tell your child the facts and if you don’t know the answer to a question just say so – don’t make things up. Avoid using euphemism like “mom is asleep” or “we lost grandpa” because your child may want to go wake mommy up or go find grandpa. After you have told your child about the death, be quiet and give her time to ask questions. Do not pretend that everything will be alright. Acknowledge that this is hard for you and that you realize it might be hard or scary for them, too.
Your child may need to be told that the person who died
- loved him
- could not prevent the death nor could the doctors prevent it
- is not angry at her
- will never come back
Let your child know that he is loved and he will be taken care of. Tell your child that it is okay to feel sad and angry and to cry. And, let her know that it is okay to laugh, play and have fun. Your child may not be able to verbalize what he is thinking or feeling so it is important for you to give your child plenty of opportunity to talk about what she is experiencing. This means listening more than talking.
Are there different approaches parents should take, depending on the ages of their children?
There are different approaches for parents to take depending on a child’s understanding of death. While some four-year olds may understand the nature of death, some eleven-year olds may not. In general, preschoolers think in concrete terms and understand facts best. So avoid explaining death as a “loss” or as “sleep.” It is not uncommon for very young children to think that death is reversible and they may ask, “When is grandma coming back?” You may need to explain many times that grandma is dead and we will never see her again. But we will always remember her and the things we did with her.” Young children may believe that their thoughts and feelings caused a person’s death. For example, a child who shouted at his mother, “I wish you were dead!” may believe he caused his mother’s death. If so, you need to reassure your child many times that he is not responsible for her death. Grade school children often know that death is permanent and universal. They may be very curious about the physical details of the death. They are not being morbid, this is just the level of information they want to know.
In almost all cases it is good and helpful for children to participate in rituals surrounding death, including viewings and burials. Research has shown that children who have the opportunity to play a role in bereavement rituals such as funerals, and who are well prepared for what they may see or hear during these rituals, are less likely to be ‘at risk' during the first two years following the death of their mother.
There are ways that children can be better prepared for bereavement services. Someone (not necessarily Dad) should talk with the child about what these services will be like. If a child has attended religious rituals before (church, temple, mosque services), he can be told that the funeral will be similar to the services he has attended before. If a child has attended other bereavement services, talk about how her mother's services will be similar and/or different. Building on familiar places and rituals can be comforting. For more information about preparing your child for bereavement services Click Here.
Your family’s spiritual/religious beliefs may bring comfort to your child. These beliefs may also cause some concern for your child. For example, if you say that “God needed mommy more than we did,” your child may be very angry at God. If you say that “Daddy went to Heaven,” your child may want to know how to get to Heaven. Be mindful of the language you use and the impact it may have on your child.
Do children go through the five stages of grief like adults do?
While the five stages of grief are a convenient short-hand to give us some understanding of the process of grief, this model is misleading because these “stages” are not linear nor are they mutually exclusive. Grief, the acute response to death, is messy and unpredictable. Bereavement is a life-long process of adapting to a loved one’s death. At each stage of development and all of life’s milestones, bereaved children will continue to adapt to the death of a loved one. There are some noticeable differences between the way children and adults grieve. There are two significant differences between grieving adults and children/teens – unlike adults, children/teens can not sustain the intense emotions that are grief 24 hours a day/7days a week. Children dose themselves in grief – so a child might play basketball after her mother’s funeral. Her teenage son may talk on the phone with his friends. These behaviors do not mean they don’t love their mom, miss her and feel tremendous pain.
The second significant difference is that adults will often want their grief experience to be recognized, to be honored. Children, and especially teens, want to be like their peers. And the death of a parent makes these young people very different from their peers. So, these children very much want to control who knows about the death – they want their grief acknowledged – but in a very controlled way. Traditions are part of normalcy – continuing traditions that they choose gives these children some control over their lives.
What are some no-nos parents should avoid when helping children cope with death?
Some no-nos:
- Thinking that children are too young to grieve or that they will just get over it.
- Expecting certain behaviors or responses to the death – grief is an individual process – everyone does it differently
- Dishonesty – about the death and about how you are responding to the death
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Thinking that their child is doing fine because all outward indicators are fine – Click Here for Warning Signs that your child may need additional help
How can parents help children remember and/or celebrate the person who died?
Some children are afraid they’ll forget their mother’s voice, the way she looked or her smell, what they did together, etc. There are a lot of things that can be done to help your child remember and celebrate a love one who has died such as continuing a cherished tradition or simple pleasure the child shared with his mother. “After my mom died, I thought that it was over for us to have any relationship, but Mommy’s Light taught me different and allowed me to remember my mother once every year through a tradition. They were the first group of people to ever ask me, ‘What did you do with your mother that you miss doing now?’ They gave me much more than just a shoulder to cry on. They gave me hope that my mother would be remembered every year even though she has been gone for three years now.” — Chudney
For more information about ways to help your child remember and celebrate a loved one who has died Click Here.
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