How do funeral directors bring this mission to life when they are supporting (a) a child (>18 years old) whose parent has died and (b) the child’s family who maybe emotionally overwhelmed and unable to identify or address the needs of each family member, particularly the children? Given that there are approximately 626,000 maternally bereaved children in the US (125,000 new children each year) and more than 1,000,000 paternally bereaved children, funeral directors are in a unique position to provide positive support to these children and their families.
In 2007 and 2008, Mommy’s Light surveyed funeral directors to learn about their specific experiences and practices with bereaved children, with an emphasis on children whose mothers had died. Below is a summary of the survey results.[1]
Several funeral directors were informally interviewed to learn about their preferences and practices with bereaved children. Based on this information and input from additional experts, a 20 item online survey was created. The survey focused on past experiences, current practices, challenges to working with young families, and demographics. Three times over a four-month period, Mommy’s Light published an invitation to participate in the survey in the bi-weekly electronic newsletter of the NFDA, distributed to about 8,500 recipients.
62 funeral directors, which represents less than 1% of those invited to participate, answered some or all of the survey questions. For the majority of questions asked, less than all 62 participants responded. For example, 19 did not answer the yes/no question of whether they provided brochures and 24 did not answer the yes/no question regarding whether the age of the child made a difference to the type of support offered. Of the respondents who answered the question regarding their race (24%), all were Caucasian. Of those who indicated their gender (40.3%), 40% were female. The average age of the respondents was 47 years old and the average time in practice was 21 years. Because the sample size is small and does not represent the profile of funeral directors, it is difficult to make generalizations beyond the survey participants.
The significant lack of responses (more than 8,500 NFDA subscribers received three invitations to participate in this survey and less than 1% responded, and even less that that responded to each of the 20 survey questions) raises several questions, including:
- How many of the NFDA subscribers actually read the invitations?
- Of those that read the invitations and chose not to participate, why did they choose not to? Lack of time? Lack of interest? Did not perceive a need for child support services? Are satisfied with the services they provide? Etc.
- Of the 62 that responded, why did they skip answering many of the yes/no questions?
How frequently, on an annual basis, did the respondents serve maternally bereaved children?
Four people responded that they had an uncommonly large number of maternal death experiences (30, 50, 50, and 250); these are treated as outliers, and therefore not included in calculating the following averages. The average number of maternally bereaved families served was 3.7 (median: 2; range 0–15), with more than one-quarter having no recent experiences. Note that approximately 125,000 children experience the death of their mother each year.
What type of child support services are the respondents providing?
40 of the respondents do not provide support services specifically for children. Among the 20 who do provide such support, there was a range of services (and approaches to using the services) identified, including giving gifts, providing information, having experts available, offering programs, creating a supportive environment, and facilitating specific interactions with the person who died. Among those providing support, some made the support available to all families with children and others only provided support when asked.
Gifts: Several respondents noted gift items such as stuffed animals, sympathy cards, or other gifts.
Providing information: Information about death and death-related rituals was provided in the form of coloring books, books, pamphlets, or videos. Some respondents proactively gave out the information materials while others made the information available in their libraries. Comments included: ‘‘we have a lending library’’; ‘‘we have a children’s library’’; ‘‘[we have] booklets designed for children that explain death and related services’’ or ‘‘referral books for group sessions.’’ Others compiled lists of informational resources for those who requested them.
Having experts available: Some respondents had professionals onsite while others referred clients to external experts. Expert groups that were identified included ‘‘mental health experts,’’ ‘‘grief counselors,’’ or support groups. Several respondents noted that they had a ‘‘bereavement department’’ or ‘‘after care service.’’
Offering programs: Programs included ongoing support groups as well as single event programs.
Some of the support groups offered at funeral homes were run by specialists (e.g., ‘‘Art Therapist,’’ ‘‘licensed grief therapist’’). Some groups were run by funeral directors. It is unclear from the survey whether these funeral directors had any training which would qualify them as child support group facilitators. One respondent indicated frustration about offering child support groups: ‘‘I put together a child’s support group and . . . more than 75% of the families are no shows. I have had to cancel groups . . . money is not the main issue, helping the families is, but it just adds insult to injury.’’
Single event programs included: balloon releases as a part of the funeral or as a separate event; holiday programs to help families a) get through the holidays or b) remember the deceased during what is supposed to be a time of celebration and joy. Some holiday events were solely for children.
Creating a supportive environment: A number of respondents described efforts to create a supportive environment for children.
Specifically, some funeral directors provided food or toys for children during the ‘‘arrangement meeting’’ and during viewings. Some provided a room for children during funeral services:
‘‘[We have a] children’s play area . . . as a safe place to go if overwhelmed or not yet ready to view loved one in chapel.’’
One respondent indicated that it was sometimes necessary to provide supervision of children: ‘‘[M]any parents don’t know what to do with [their children], yet they bring them here and we end up babysitting.’’ Note - Babysitting a bereaved child is not the same as creating a supportive environment for the child.
Facilitating specific interactions with the person who died: Several respondents worked to ensure children’s understanding of what was happening, or to allow them to express feelings. These included ‘‘special time with the deceased’’ and allowing or encouraging children to put something in the casket, such as a letter, a picture (sometimes from one of the coloring books the funeral director had provided), or other items representing a specific memory.
Some efforts were general/vague: ‘‘I try to make them feel comfort in any way I can’’ or ‘‘[i] offer support.’’ Several noted that they encouraged the child in some way: ‘‘We encourage the family to treat all persons including children equally.’’ ‘‘Much encouraged to allow the children to share during sharing time.’’ ‘‘Encourage families to bring their children to the services.’’ ‘‘I encourage children’s participation.’’
Other respondents were more specific: ‘‘Children are able to express their grief creatively, and drawing pictures and writing messages on the cremation casket has been a very healing experience.’’ ‘‘Open caskets help with the reality of the . . . funeral.’’
Others described children’s involvement in death-related rituals, including as pall bearers, readers, musicians, posting pictures, or delivering a eulogy. The only religious ritual that was specified was the Roman Catholic Mass, during which children were involved by bringing gifts to the altar, covering the casket with a pall (the cloth covering the casket), or doing a reading. The casket was often the focal point of the activity or interaction. Some noted that caskets were decorated with crayons, drawings, paper chains, and balloons, as were the rooms at the funeral home in which viewings and funerals were held.
Why are funeral directors not providing child support services?
A majority of respondents (64.5%) did not provide services specifically for bereaved children. Some cited lack of experts, lack of need or cost as the reason no services were provided.
Lack of experts: ‘‘It would be difficult to maintain any sense of competency.’’ ‘‘We don’t have all the tools.’’ ‘‘We are very small and are not specialized in teaching or counseling.’’
Lack of need: ‘‘The need hasn’t arisen yet’’; ‘‘There is very little demand for them’’; ‘‘The case load of such cases is low in our area (thank God)’’; ‘‘This is a rural population where there is usually a lot of family around’’; ‘‘We are in a large metropolitan area . . . we provide reference to hospitals, hospices, and other community sponsored services’’; and ‘‘Not necessary because we treat each child as an individual and offer advice to families based on that child’s needs and development.’’
Cost: ‘‘[It is] not cost effective to hire another person to research and develop these services for such a small portion of our business.’’ ‘‘Funding is a major concern for us.’’ One respondent described the need to keep focused on future business, ‘‘as funeral directors (unfortunately) that have become far too concerned about the ‘next call’ that we tend to leave the past calls there.’’
Other responses: ‘‘We’re working on it.’’ ‘‘[The person we hired] was supposed to do it, but he never gave it his all.’’
What challenges do funeral directors face in providing child support services?
Some funeral directors said that they did not face any challenges in supporting children: ‘‘I do not see any real challenges. Whatever the need or want is, we try to cater and/or provide said service or need.’’ Most respondents, however, reported several challenges, particularly: adult family members’ behaviors and/or beliefs; child’s lack of understanding, knowledge, or experience; child’s emotional state; or child’s age.
Adult family members’ behaviors and/or beliefs:
“A lot of parents have their own opinions on stuff and their minds are set and you’re not going to change them. That’s probably due to their own experiences growing up and dealing with death. Offering books, videos, counselors all sound good but you’re not going to change the person who doesn’t think a child should be exposed to death or participating in the funeral. There are still a lot of parents and grandparents out there who feel anything funeral related is socially taboo.”
“Very little challenge with the children. It’s the parents of those children that are the challenge. Because of previous difficult experiences with death=funerals, many parents want to shield their children from the experiences. Sadly, that is what has created several generations in this country that have denied death”.
“Usually I see the surviving parent being more of a roadblock than the children’s willingness to participate in services. They feel they are protecting, and all too often they are projecting their own fears.”
“Some families don’t think that it is wise to allow children to view their deceased parents. Which I believe is crazy.”
“Family members wanting to shelter the children from the ordeal of a funeral.”
“Parents who are already death avoidant tend to pass their fears and maladjusted coping strategies on to their children.”
“The only issues I can think of [are] related to the parents. The children sometimes are too sheltered from death and funerals, or they are pushed too hard to participate (touching the body, speaking, being quietly in the chapel for a long time).”
‘‘Some participation is positive, which comes from a positive family. At times it is negative, since the family as not as supportive as they could be.’’
Child’s lack of understanding, knowledge, or experience:
‘‘Language and concept difficulties. Young children sometimes think that the laid out deceased parent is a statue and want to take it home.’’
‘‘No challenges. Just have to treat the child according to their age and what they are capable of participating in.’’
‘‘I find children’s attention span is not long, especially the younger ones.’’
There were no descriptions of accommodations made based on the child’s developmental level or age.
Child’s emotional state: Children’s emotions were perceived as a barrier.
‘‘[The children usually are so] shell shocked that they are pretty withdrawn.’’
‘‘Hard for a child to deal with the emotional side, which can create anxiety in them and others wanting to participate.’’
‘‘[C]hildren around 14 or older want to have total control of all decisions, regardless of what [the adult] might want.’’
‘‘The realization that this is all really happening to them.’’
Child’s age:
The child’s age impacted what support was recommended. The most common example was that they would not give a coloring book to teens.
There were differences of opinion about whether support groups would be beneficial, ‘‘older children might benefit more from peer support,’’ while another stated, ‘‘I think older children are less likely to want to get involved in a support group.’’
Other age comments non-specific: ‘‘Different ages mean they are in different stages,’’ ‘‘the level of support depends on the age of the child.’’ Several respondents considered the provision of services to younger children a greater challenge.
What additional support services do funeral directors want to provide?
Responses to this question included services already provided by other respondents (see What type of child support services are the responding funeral directors providing? ). Specifically, respondents wanted provide information, experts, programs, and dedicated physical space for children in their facilities.
Information: Information would be supplied in the forms of ‘‘books,’’ ‘‘videos and DVD,’’ ‘‘booklets,’’ or ‘‘a better library.’’ Several specific subject matters were identified:
“Materials that focus on aspects of a sudden and unexpected death vs a death due to a chronic or terminal illness. Also deaths due to violence or suicide that require special handling and attention.”
“A video or DVD that focuses on other children that are dealing with grief. Children need to see that they are not alone and that there are other children like them, that are sad because someone close to them has died.”
Experts: Responses included desires to expand the range of experts available both for direct services and for referral, including a ‘‘good social worker,’’ ‘‘ministerial staff if they are agreeable,’’ or access to ‘‘one-on-one counseling.’’ One respondent aptly noted: ‘‘We are not professional counselors—we are just funeral directors.’’
Programs: Respondents wanting more programs all focused on support groups. Most often, support groups were sought that recognize the unique bereavement experiences of children.
Dedicated physical space for children in their facilities: Several funeral directors wanted more space in the hopes of providing more services:
‘‘If I had the special room available I would stock audio and video materials.’’
‘‘A playroom that provides different items to help kids with the grief process.’’
‘‘Dedicated play room.’’
