What you think is also a part of how you respond to your mother’s death.  What do you believe about death?   What do you think about your mother’s death?

Death is forever. 
Everyone will die someday, including me.

Do you believe these things?  There’s not a right or wrong answer.  Most teenagers understand the realities of death – that it is forever and that every one dies.  Accepting the realities of death happens at different times for different people.
 
Death is Forever

How could God let My Mom Die?

It's Not Fair that My Mom Died

It is My Fault My Mom Died

Hurtful Thoughts

I'm afraid that I am going to die or someone else in my family will die, too

Honesty and Forgiveness

Does it Help to Talk about My Mom's Death?

Lots of Things at Home Are Changing

Death is Forever

It sometimes takes a long time to understand that when your mother has died, her body is really is gone.  Even if we know that someone is not coming back, sometimes we still look for him or her.  When your mother has died, it’s very common to see other people who look like her and to even think that you see her.  It is also common to believe that you can still talk with her or that her ‘presence’ is still with you. 

The human spirit seems to need to connect and re-connect on a regular basis to those we love, whether in this life or in other dimensions.  Many people have experienced their loved one in many different forms following the death.  Some sense the presence, some the smell or see the presence.  Many simply believe they had a “dream” in which their loved one “came to” them.  While there will forever be arguments about whether these “signs” are “real” or not, those who receive them have no doubt they are real.  If these experiences do not bring any harm to those receiving them, then there is little reason to judge them.  There is not time frame for receiving these signs and the only risk of any harm from them comes from the disappointment that may be experienced if the “signs” do not continue to come when called for and/or “needed by the bereaved.

In other words, most people are comforted by these “visits” and “signs” and no harm is done in the receiving.  Harm may be caused by those who do not “believe” in them and make life uncomfortable or unpleasant for those who do get comfort from the sense of the presence.

How could God Let My Mom Die? 

If you believe in God, maybe you are feeling angry at God for letting your mom die.  Being angry at God is often questioning God’s fairness.  If God is good, how could this horrible, unbelievable thing have happened?  These types of questions are normal.

Most religions teach that God does not cause the bad things that happen.  Most religions teach that God is a good God.  Most religions teach that God accepts our feelings and loves us.  Most religions teach that God forgives us when we make mistakes.  If you believe in God, it is important to remember that this acceptance, love and forgiveness apply to you no matter what feelings, thoughts or behaviors you are having.

What if you don’t believe in God?  That’s okay, too.  Many people find their beliefs changing after something really horrible has happened.  Some people turn to religious beliefs.  Some people find that religious beliefs are not helpful.  Religious beliefs give some people a way to understand the death, or a way to understand what has happened to the family member who has died since the death.  If you are comfortable with your beliefs, then they are right for you.  If your beliefs make you think more, that’s okay.  If your beliefs help you understand, that’s good.  Speak with people who can really listen to you and help you.  That’s what counts. 

Spiritual responses to Grief…Mimi Mahon
"Just knowing in my heart"… Alexis D.

It’s Not Fair that My Mom Died

It’s not bad to think that it’s not fair that this person that you loved died.  You’re right.  It certainly does not make sense.  Why did your mother, or father, or sister or brother have to be the one to die?  Disease or injuries do not make sense.  They’re not predictable.  There are a million “what ifs” or “if only’s.”  It’s not a bad thing to have those thoughts.

Sometimes you even wish that someone else you know had died, or maybe even that you had died.  If it’s only thoughts, that’s okay.  If it makes you have harmful thoughts or to feel bad about yourself, you need to talk about someone about it.  You KNOW your mother wouldn’t wish you were the one that died.

It is My Fault My Mom Died

It is very common for a teen to feel some guilt and believe that he or she is responsible that her mother has died.  Teens might worry about the last thing they said to their mom, or the fact that they said they’d do something that never got done.  Some believe that, in some way, their mother’s death was their fault.  That is hardly ever true!  If you think that something you thought or did or believed caused the death, talk with an adult about it.

Hurtful Thoughts
 
You may have many different thoughts about your mom’s death and your life.  Similar to emotions, there are really no right or wrong thoughts EXCEPT for two absolute wrongs. 
 
   1.   Thoughts about hurting yourself are wrong.  
   2.   Thoughts about hurting someone else are wrong.
 
If you find yourself having these thoughts, PLEASE talk with a safe adult.  Sometimes the adult who you believe is a safe adult will not listen.  That’s sad and difficult and frustrating.  It means more work for you.  What adult will listen?  You know a lot of adults.  Is there a teacher or a counselor at school or a nurse or a pediatrician who will listen to you?  Is there a priest or minister or rabbi?  Is there a friend’s parent?  Know the safe adults in your life. 

Sometimes teens (and adults) have thoughts that they think are bad thoughts.  The only thoughts that are really bad thoughts are those about hurting yourself or someone else.

I’m afraid that I am going to die or someone else in my family will die, too
 
Some teens are afraid that what happened to their mother will happen to them.  Some teens are afraid that another person close to them will die, too.  Sometimes the answers are easy.  If you are a boy and your mother died of ovarian cancer, then you know that it won’t happen to you.  It’s good to be relieved that that can’t happen to you.

No one can promise that they are never going to die because eventually every one dies.  We can’t know how or when we’re going to die.  We don’t know what’s going to happen to us.  That’s very difficult.  Sometimes the struggle is whether to live in fear or whether to put that fear aside and go on living.  Some people feel guilty for living when someone else has died.  Don’t let your fears keep you from living.  If your fears help you make healthy choices, like wearing a seatbelt, or having a regular check-up, great.  But this does not mean that someone else made bad choices, or that they weren’t careful.  If you have questions, ask an adult who you trust AND who will be honest with you about the truth of why your mother is dying or has died.

Some adults are not comfortable being honest with teens.  Some adults believe teens shouldn’t be burdened with the truth – that it is too hard to take.  If you need to know, ask an adult who will be honest with you.

Honesty and Forgiveness

Thoughts are often reactions to feelings.  Thoughts are part of the way we come to understand death.  If you are feeling sad or angry, you will think about why you feel sad or angry.  One of the challenges is to be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it.  Some people believe it is wrong to feel certain feelings.  If you’ve been told that you shouldn’t be angry at your mother for dying, then you might not let yourself know that you’re angry at your mom because she died.  Thoughts are a way to be sure that you’re honest with yourself.  Being honest about what you are thinking and feeling is a healthy way for you to support yourself.

Sometimes it is hard to be honest with what you are thinking and feeling or how you have behaved because you judge yourself as wrong or bad for having certain thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  No one is immune from having negative thoughts, feelings or behaviors.  What we do when we experience these negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors is a personal choice and one that we have control over.  We can deny them, in which case we are likely to continue to repeat them.  We can judge ourselves, in which case we are likely to feel bad about ourselves and continue to experience negativity in our thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  If you find yourself judging what you are thinking, feeling or how you have behaved, there are a few keys that might help:

   1.   Accept your current thoughts, feelings and how you have behaved – acceptance supports you in being honest about where you are in the moment.  Acceptance does not mean that you act on your thoughts and feelings, especially those that are hurtful to you or someone else.  Acceptance means that you take responsibility for the consequences of your behavior.

   2.   Move into forgiveness – one way to do this is by saying to yourself, “I forgive myself for judging myself for feeling _________ (fill in the blank; ex. angry a. relieved that my mom died).”  Note – If you find yourself judging others, you can practice this type of forgiveness, too.  For example, “I forgive myself for judging my dad for not understanding what I need.”

   3.   Talk about your concerns, worries and judgments with people who are good listeners – those who listen with an attitude of acceptance and forgiveness.

Does it Help to Talk about My Mom’s Death?

Teens who are grieving often don’t know whether it will help them to talk about what they are experiencing, about their questions, concerns and worries.  And if they do want to talk, they are sometimes not sure who they can talk to that will really listen and understand.  It’s true that no one can ever really know your grief.  Even if you have a brother or a sister, his or her experiences following your mom’s death will be different from yours.  Each person’s response to the death of someone they loved will be unique.
 
Still, it often helps to be understood – when we feel understood, we feel less lonely.  Some teens don’t want to speak with their dads or other relatives.  They’re afraid that speaking with their dads will make their dads sad.  Some teens have a hard time seeing their fathers cry.  It is important to keep in mind that crying isn’t bad, that everyone in your family is grieving and grieving is painful – whether or not you talk about it.  Speaking with someone about your mom (or who ever it was who died) can make you cry, but it doesn’t make you sadder than you were before.  Do you think it could make your dad sadder than he was before?

Some people will share their thoughts and feelings openly.  Others won’t.  Talk with those people who will speak with you.  Talk with those people who will listen to you.  Do what is right for you. 

"Sometimes parents want to let it all out" - Kevin M.
"Sometimes I just don’t feel like talking" - Jacki W.
"I guess maybe if I am acting" - Alexis D.
How to support a grieving teen - Alexis D.

Lots of Things at Home Are Changing

When someone dies, families change.  When someone dies, things at home change.  When a mom dies, a lot of things change.  Meals.  Clean clothes.  Getting places.  Vacations.  For some teens, it means they have more chores to do.  For some teens, changes at home mean they don’t feel like they get to be teens anymore.  Some teens take on more responsibility for their younger siblings.

"After my mom’s death, by being the older sister" - Alexis D.

All teens, bereaved and non-bereaved, experience significant changes during their teen years – changes in physical appearance, friends, interests, relationships, etc.  For a bereaved teen, the added changes after a mother’s death, coupled with adults’ expectations that the teen needs to grow up faster now that mom has died, can be overwhelming. 

Sometimes adults say things to teens like, “You’ll have to help your grandma a lot now that your mom has died” or “You’re the man of the house now.  You have to act like it.”  When they say these things, adults often do not even think about how difficult this makes things for teens.  They think of things from an adult point of view, not understanding what it means for teens.  Thoughts like, “This is too much for me!  I just want things to be like they were!” are okay.  Who can help you?  Who can help make sure you have time to do things that are important to you?  If you feel like you have more responsibility than you can handle, you need to speak with an adult about it.  Many adults have not thought about what the experience is like for you. 
 
Sometimes changes included new family members.  After a mother’s death, dad may begin to date and may eventually remarry.  These are significant changes and may trigger many strong feelings, ranging from betrayal to love.  It is important to talk about what is happening and how people are feeling even though the conversations may be uncomfortable or painful.  See Honesty.

Dating and Marriage – Darcie Sims
Step-mothers – “I would give advice to a dad…” - Kevin M.
Re-marrying – Charlie C.
“Having new brothers and sisters has been nice…” - Max C.
Hear from a step-mother – Michelle C.